There exists, I believe, within all of us to accomplish something great within our lives. I don’t think this is terribly uncommon, but I think it much less suppressed in my life.
When I met Christ, I didn’t have a dream. I didn’t have a great vision for what my future was to hold. Honestly, I didn’t have much thought past high school. But gradually, as I journeyed forward, as I made mistakes, as I questioned God, I found a deep rooted desire to live in utter abandon in the grasp of God. I can say that I desire this more than anything else in my life; to simply be able to let go and run straight for God.
I get sick to my stomach everytime I think about what I am not doing. When I have the opportunity to be blatantly honest with myself, I feel like vomiting, because I am disgusted with myself and my inability to let go. There is are incredible things waiting for me beyond myself. I just can’t let go of me.
I think this is because of the human ability to be the most self absorbed thing within each individuals existence. I think that I have friends or family that are ridiculously into themselves, but when I get into it, I am way more into me than they are into themselves. Is Jesus disgusted with this? Is this what he meant by being lukewarm, desiring God but exchanging him for something else?
I dont believe that this is entirely me, however. I think it is all apart of the growing in Christ Jesus. I am reminded of Peter (mainly because I just spent the last two days writing on him), who had all the desire for Jesus he could muster, but when rubber met the pavement, he was left remembering himself. If you don’t believe me, check out the Gospel narrative of the Last Supper and the denial. He tells Jesus, “May it never be! I would die beside you.” Then, literally in the same evening/morning he denies affiliation with Christ not once, but THREE TIMES! When it came down to it, Peter was mainly concerned with himself more than he was the things of God.
I think this is basically where we all must come to. Realization that the road that we journey on with Jesus will probably lead to our earthly demise and will require that we cease being fanatical and just be obedient. In all Peter’s fanaticism and theatrics, it didn’t amount to the obedience it takes to accomplish great things. It isn’t until Jesus reconciles and rebuilds Peter that he becomes everything Jesus knew he could be.
I think every moment that Peter spent with Jesus he yearned to please him. There was this deep, profound, gut wrenching desire to always do as Jesus would want. What Peter thought Jesus would want from him was in fact not what Jesus needed from him. He just wanted Peter to be obedient, and to wait on the Lord for all he needed. When Peter tried on his own is when he always landed on his face.
Faceplants are good for one thing… putting you on your hands and knees before Jesus.
